Questioning - The Final Frontier

Blog Post: People Pleasing – Shape-Shifting to Keep Others Comfortable

I've lost count of how many times I've heard someone say, "Well, please yourself," or "Suit yourself." For me, those words still echo in my mind, often in the voice of my mum. They were her way of expressing disapproval when I didn’t take her advice. And while I know she meant well, the message I received was clear: If I went my own way, I was letting her down.

I grew up in a military family. My dad was an Army Warrant Officer—a man of few words and guarded emotions. From an early age, I realised that the only way to earn his attention or any affection was to be "a good boy." That meant following the rules, staying agreeable, and suppressing any behaviour that might ruffle feathers. It felt like being a soldier, always marching in line.

This strategy stayed with me well into adulthood. I chased his approval, hoping that if I behaved perfectly, I'd finally be loved or at least acknowledged. But it came at a cost. I often had to agree with him, adopt his views, and suppress my own just to avoid tension. Over time, that pattern spilled into every area of my life—work, friendships, romantic relationships, and even casual social settings. It created a low-level, constant anxiety: Do they like me? Am I good enough?

In her books Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown explains that people-pleasing isn't about being nice. It's a defence mechanism. It's about avoiding conflict and rejection, trying to manage how others see us so we feel safe. That resonated deeply with me.

For me, being the "good boy" was about survival. It was a way to avoid rejection, yes, but also a desperate bid for love and connection. The trouble is that strategy meant silencing my own needs, thoughts, and feelings. I disconnected from my true self, which is deeply disempowering and my "voice" was subdued.

Friends have told me for years, "Be kinder to yourself," or "Stop worrying so much about what others think." And they were right. Brené Brown says, "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." True kindness comes from being authentic, not from fear. People-pleasing, on the other hand, is fear dressed up as kindness. It’s seeking approval at the cost of your own values.

Eventually, I came to understand that I have a tendency to fawn —a trauma response where we appease others to avoid conflict. I wore a mask. I stayed small. I made myself palatable. And while that protected me once upon a time, it no longer serves me.

Today, I choose to please myself. Not out of rebellion, but from a place of conscious self-awareness. I make decisions based on my values and passions. Sometimes that means helping others. Sometimes it means saying no. But always, it means staying true to who I am.

As Brené Brown says, "True belonging comes when we belong to ourselves first." I no longer feel the need to fit in or blend in just to be accepted. I’m learning to stand alone if needed—and to feel whole while doing it.

So What Can You Do About It?

One of the biggest shifts for me has been learning to stop resisting uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Instead, I welcome them. I observe them. I let them be. They don't define me anymore.

The real power lies in being willing to be yourself, even if it makes others uncomfortable. It means acting in alignment with who you really are—that part of you that may have been hidden or silenced. Let that part shine. That’s how you reclaim your voice and your power.

Why Do We People-Please in the First Place?

At the root of people-pleasing is a belief many of us carry deep down: "I'm not enough."

We may have grown up with subtle (or not-so-subtle) messages like:

• You're only lovable when you're well-behaved or act in line with others.

• You're not allowed to have your own needs or make mistakes.

• Disappointing others means losing love or approval.

These messages shape our sense of worth. Instead of believing, "I'm enough just as I am," we develop beliefs like:

• "I have to prove my worth."

• "If I can keep everyone happy, I'll feel safe and loved."

But the truth is: you don’t need to earn love by shape-shifting.

A Few Quotes That Keep Me Grounded

• "Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner." — Lao Tzu

• "Don’t trade your authenticity for approval." — Unknown

• "You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody." — Maya Angelou

• "To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." — Ralph Waldo Emerson

• "I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside." — Wayne Dyer

Final Thoughts

People-pleasing may seem like kindness on the surface, but more often than not, it's fear in disguise. It's the fear of not being enough. The fear of rejection. The fear of losing love. But when you start choosing yourself, when you speak your truth, live your values, and show up as you, something powerful happens. You stop seeking permission to exist. You start belonging to yourself.

And that, I’m learning, is where real freedom begins.